Feb 22 2015 – I am Ava Brown, a Caribbean girl hailing from the beautiful Island of Jamaica. I am super excited to be hosting this column “Ava’s Courtyard” where: we will talk about various topics around love and relationships.
The Greek philosopher Plato has a theory known as “The Symposium,” this is the belief that: humans were born with four arms, four legs and two heads. Fearing their power Zeus split them in half and sent them to different corners of the world, leaving them to search for each other. This is the true meaning of soulmates. The purpose of “Ava’s Courtyard” is to help people with the search for their soulmates and hopefully have some real connections made across oceans, islands, boundaries and cultures. Our dialogue may even provoke more questions than answers, but keep them coming.
I encourage interactions, feedback and full participation from all. Please broadcast Ava’s Courtyard by all means available. The more people we get involved, the better it will be.
Before we get straight into it here is a bit about myself: https://caribbeannewsservice.com/hiv/218-caribbean-health-one-on-one-with-ava-brown. If you would like to know more please feel free to contact me. (See contact details at the end of the article)
The column’s first question is what prompted me to start Ava’s Courtyard: Why are so many quintessential black women finding themselves single?
In my circle there are a number of professional black women who range from: teachers, lawyers, doctors, authors, coaches, speakers, trainers etc. Yet 98 percent of my friends, who are black, are single. This is either due to coming out of a bad relationship, being divorced, staying in an empty relationship in order to not be alone or simply being unable to find Mr Right. Now I can hear the question of “what’s wrong with all you women; if you are all so professional, educated, kind, caring, then why you can’t find anyone?” As well as perhaps you are all too posh, miserable and many more comments. However coming from someone who is educated, I have had failed marriages at the tender age of 39 (today happens to be my birthday). They failed not because I was posh or that something is necessarily wrong with me, but purely from the fact that my first marriage happened when I was far too young and the second, well, I married someone who really married me for an end goal instead of love. Disappointing as they may be I have not lost faith in our men.
We have all heard on Oprah, CNN, ABC News, and the Washington Post that 70 percent of black women are single, and 42 percent are unmarried. “Bitch is the New Black”. Now being a bitch here doesn’t mean a nasty horrible woman it simply means difficult to get along with, so argumentative, and hard to live with are words that spring to mind.
I have come to realise that black men don’t like bitches so it won’t work for our men. Bitches frankly do not attract men especially our men, and I have come to realise that being successful, driven, professional and very educated won’t necessarily make men attracted to us, so we need to find something else as a magnet. These are just the additional bits to us, the added layer of what men won’t necessarily see at first, instead they are attracted initially to the smile, the mannerism, personality, attitude and behaviours that are in the zone when they first come into contact with us. The educated and professionalism won’t make us even necessarily “datable”. Men are still looking closer for the inner you, which in some cases encompasses (the family caring woman, God fearing, easy going, cook, mother, friend and full package of companion). Now don’t get it wrong, all men are egotistical creatures and black men seem to have been given an extra bit of ego at creation so, their main thought process is that they need to be respected. Therefore even if you are pretty, educated and have the figure of Beyoncé, once disrespected he is less likely to stay.
As a single professional black woman, I am still open to understanding what the real reason is to, why so many black women are single and, I refuse to think it’s a single factor issue. While I don’t have all the answers I will try to pin point some of my own ideas that may contribute to this dilemma. Please feel free to add any others you can think of and we can continue the debate. (Do note this could apply to all women not just ones who are black so please come get involved).
Black women being single have multiple factors underling it, however these may be some of the most common ones in my opinion:
- There is a shortage in black men
Over 42 percent of Black women are unmarried; 70 percent of professional Black women are single – (source: Essence magazine). Now, where the men are is another article for another day and we will address same.
- After a few failed relationships many Black Women Have Decided to stay single
I know personally. I have been married, hurt and broken so I have made a decision that instead of hurting my children by introducing a man to them, who could potentially break their heart and mine, I will stay single. Unless of course there is a guy who has been tested, tried and proven himself. However, this is a rarity. While companionship is important, many women are afraid to venture out and continually get themselves hurt and instead, they prefer to love from a distance.
- Black men are brainwashed to believe that black woman are hard work.
- Black men hardly see their grandmothers, aunties, mothers and the matriarchs around as role models, dispute the fact that they are struggling to keep food on the table.
- Black women spend early years getting educated, chasing careers and miss out on fertility.
- Black men struggle more than any other group in society and this damages their confidence, so they are often afraid to approach strong confident back women.
- Black women are not used to traditional ways of dating for example Tinder, dating sites etc.
- Too many of our men are incarcerated.
- What the modern woman wants simply does not exist.
Ava brown is an Author, Speaker, Coach, Mother and Trainer. Send your questions to [email protected] with Ava’s Courtyard in the subject line.
