I am having an affair and don’t want to stop

I have been having a torrid affair with a male coworker for seven months. It has been undoubtedly the most exhilarating, liberating, but also emotionally wrenching time of my life. I am cheating on a wife I love very much, but with whom intimacy can best be described as muted. I really love my wife! I just don’t feel any sort of carnal craving for her. For that matter, I’m not sure I ever did. My coworker is quite handsome and turns me on in a way I never knew was possible. I’m not sure anyone goes into marriage thinking they will one day cheat on their partner. But I also feel like I do not get everything I need from my marriage, and I don’t feel it is realistic to expect my wife to fulfill every need I have. I am still reconciling what all this means for us, but I would welcome any thoughts you have.

Wanting It All

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Hello Wanting it All,

Actually, you cannot have it all – at least in the way you describe “all”. It is undoubtedly going to be liberating to finally be true to your sexual orientation. 

People enter into relationships on certain terms. I am guessing that when you and your wife entered that relationship, you did so on terms of monogamy, fidelity and trust. Sometimes those terms change. When those terms change, it is important to discuss the new terms. 

I have not seen you mention anything in this letter about telling your wife about your male lover at work. If you love her as you say you do, then that love must be demonstrated in giving her the respect of the truth. To hold her in the dark means that she alone is living up to the terms of the relationship first agreed upon, while you have long broken the terms and established new ones. You are having it all at her expense. That, beloved is usury.

Wish you love and light on your journey. #YouAreWorthy

Damien Williams is a Minister & Bible Teacher at Ekklesia Bible Fellowship in Kingston, Jamaica. He is also an Educator, Life Coach and Human Rights & Justice Advocate. His day job is as a Field Operations Manager at Habitat for Humanity Jamaica. Damien is the author of Grab You Some Lemons: Make the Best out of Life’s Sour Moments available on Amazon. You can follow him @damienmwilliams (Twitter & Instagram). If you have an issue that you need advice on, send an e-mail to [email protected]