I have been a member of my church for my entire life. I am 35-years-old, but I never got married. The reason I never got married is very simple. The man I have been in love with is already married and has a family. He is the pastor of the church. He knows that I am in love with him and he has told me numerous times that he loves me too.
I was dismissed (read out of the church) because I got pregnant. I am not saying that I got pregnant for my pastor. I am saying we have been in love for several years.
Once it was discovered that I was pregnant I was branded as an adulterer and my membership was terminated. I have been banned from getting near to my pastor and lover and I have been left all alone with no one to provide moral support. Sometimes I feel like I should go public with my story and other times I feel like I should end my life.
How could the church where I have spent all my life and the man I love and looks up to be so harsh on me simply because I got pregnant?
WOMAN WITH A HEAVY BURDEN
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Dear Woman with a Heavy Burden,
Ending your life is not an option! I sense that what you’re looking for is happiness and you have convinced yourself that love will bring you happiness. Let me hasten to tell you; happiness is your choice. Nobody can “MAKE” you happy.
It must feel really nice to hear this married pastor tell you he loves you. Does his actions, in your opinion, demonstrate to you that he loves you the way you believe you should be loved? Your complaint tells me you are not convinced. You see, my beloved, until you first deeply fall in love with YOU, you will never be able to demand the kind of love you deserve.
Nowhere in your letter did you mention the child from the pregnancy. Is that child alive? If so, why not consider the best life you can live for the both of you? You’ve ignored this child and have devoted your love and attention to a hypocrite, lying pastor and a judgemental congregation.
I cannot seem to understand your desire to remain in the space that brings you such pain. You need healing. Perhaps you should consider removing yourself from that space. Go to a more affirming place where you can practice your faith (if that is your main reason for going to church). Healing will make you ready for love and desirable to someone else. The truth is, as you are in this broken state, this is no time to consider bringing such brokenness into someone else’s life.
Your pregnancy was a gift. See it as such. Blessed is your womb. I know a few things worse than getting pregnant out of wedlock and a lying, cheating, hypocrite and judgemental pastor is one of them.
Forgive yourself. Forgive the pastor for playing you. Speak your truth if you must for your healing. Talk things through with a professional counsellor. And NEVER forget, even though your church doesn’t see it, #YouAreWorthy
Damien Williams is a Minister & Bible Teacher at Ekklesia Bible Fellowship in Kingston, Jamaica. He is also an Educator, Life Coach and Human Rights & Justice Advocate. His day job is as a Field Operations Manager at Habitat for Humanity Jamaica. If you have an issue that you need advice on, send an e-mail to [email protected] or [email protected]
Wow, the church and the pastors are hypocrites, you are still worthy of love, kick the dust of the judgemental congregation and just strut
Hello, Woman with a heavy burden.
I cannot begin to imagine how and what you must feel, but what I do know (even without knowing you personally) your worth isn’t determined by the acceptance of the Pastor or the members of that Church body. You are, as you are beautiful, valuable and worthy of a life that’s above the judgment a d criticisms of any human. You are love. You are light, you are worth, so be first encouraged to embrace who you are innately and find reason to have hope and live, LIVE long enough to prove them wrong.
Secondly, what I am confused about is why the Church continues to expose sin because it’s not them while covering their own. Shame on the Pastor for allowing this cruel act of unforgiveness to perpetuate. Were you not fornicating when you were with him, and was he not being an adulterer when he was with you? Maybe the real issue is that you got pregnant, but not for him.
Thirdly, and what annoys me about the people who exercise this kinda ‘power’ their own households aren’t in order. if Jesus is the example for the Church to follow, what was Jesus’ response when they were to stone the woman caught in adultery? He commanded them, he who is without sin, cast the first stone. When they realized that none of them were above reproach they threw their stones down a and walked away. Jesus then spoke to her, neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more. There’s an element of forgiveness, restoration and nurtering that’s absent from too many local church and as a result people are hurting and losing their minds over.
You my dear, are better than the negative experiences you have had. You are worthy of much more love and support than you have been given st this Church, though you invested your years into it.
What I can tell you is this, the Kingdom is way beyond that local Church. Immediate reaction would be to expose his own dirt because he was part of your own expulsion from the Church but sometimes you’ve got to literally do what the Word says, stand still and let the Lord fight your battles. Just this year I got expelled from a church I haven’t been going to for almost 5 years in a country I no longer live in for the same amount of time and it was for dancing and having alcoholic beverages at a social function. Now the daughter in law of the pastor who did that is out on bail for embezlement charges, something they wont discuss from their puplit. How hypocritical, It is beyond me, but I’ve learnt that people will judge you based on their own fears. Don’t allow these people to 1. Cause you to walk away from God, though you will no longer go to their ‘church’ 2. Cause you to love your child any less. 3. Cause you to become bitter.
I will not fool myself though, a part of me would want to tell you, if you have evidence of the relationship you’ve had with the pastor to have an exit interview with them and present it, and remjnd them that usually it is the one without sin who should do such acts. However, I’ve also learnt that ‘ God doesn’t sleep and He don’t like ugly, plus karma is a bit*$.
Live your best life, free of the judgment and condemnation of the hypocrites who stand in judgment against you. It’s one thing to discipline and it’s another to discard. Walk in the reconciliation that God has made available for you.
PS. Ecclesiastia Bible Fellowship might just be the new beginning that you need.
#Ashe
Blessings and love
I think you need to let the leaders know. Stop him from doing this to someone else. Also, you need to be happy that you no longer go to a church filled with hypocrites led by a sinning fool of a pastor. You have been blessed to carry a child….LIVE FOR THAT and for YOURSELF. Find another church filled with loving, Godly people and take your worship there.