My boyfriend wants to have full access to my phone

I have been with my boyfriend for several years now. Recently, he said he thought it would be healthy for us to be able to have access to each other’s phones. He wants to be able to read my messages whenever he wants and says he’s okay with me reading his too.

I thought this request was odd, to say the least. I shared this with a couple of my close friends and they think it speaks to trust issues on his part.

The truth is, we have a history of infidelity in the relationship. I always get hit on by some of my friends and other people too. While I do have racy conversations with some of my friends and sometimes exchange pictures, my boyfriend is the one that I love. I know that if my boyfriend sees some of the conversations I have with my friends he would feel threatened and insecure because he would read more into those conversations than he ought to.

I don’t like knowing my boyfriend is insisting on seeing my messages. Shouldn’t it be enough for him to know that I love him and no one else?

How should I tell my boyfriend no without him thinking that I have something to hide? And should I insist on a boundary?

Logan

———-

Dear Logan,

YOU DO HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE.

You stated it. Here in lies the fact that YOU KNOW what you are doing is an issue:

“The truth is, we have a history of infidelity in the relationship. I always get hit on by some of my friends and other people too. While I do have racy conversations with some of my friends and sometimes exchange pictures, my boyfriend is the one that I love. I know that if my boyfriend sees some of the conversations I have with my friends he would feel threatened and insecure because he would read more into those conversations than he ought to.”

How would you feel if your boyfriend was acting the way that you’re acting privately (in your phone)? Do you think that love will knowingly do something that will offend the object of its love?

Furthermore, I find that people have a strong aversion to communicating in their relationship. You and your partner DEFINITELY need to have a conversation where you BOTH define the nature of your relationship, whether or not it’s monogamous and your expectations of each other. Then, based on that, decide if you two have the capacity to facilitate a relationship with each other.

The issue certainly is not about the phone but about communication and honesty.

Go have a much-needed honest conversation with your boyfriend and remember, #YouAreWorthy

Damien Williams is a Minister & Bible Teacher at Ekklesia Bible Fellowship in Kingston, Jamaica. He is also an Educator, Life Coach and Human Rights & Justice Advocate. His day job is as a Field Operations Manager at Habitat for Humanity Jamaica. If you have an issue that you need advice on, send an e-mail to [email protected] or [email protected]  

 

One thought on “My boyfriend wants to have full access to my phone

  1. Truth is, people are not naturally monogamous. We only strive to be that way because of society. I say, show him the phone and tell the truth… you like to flirt but you are not going beyond that. If you can’t do that, then you need to leave the relationship because the communication is lacking in that relationship and its end is imminent.

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