I grew up in a fairly religious household where sex was rarely discussed (and when it was, it was talked about for the purposes of conception). Now, in my 30s, I have renounced many aspects of the religion I grew up with and come to realize some of the harm it caused in my life – including giving me a very problematic view of sex. I’m a virgin and have barely even been able to masturbate, let alone approach intimacy with a partner. I feel ashamed and guilty whenever I try, even though I tell myself over and over again that self-exploration is healthy and necessary. I desperately want a relationship, too, but can’t fathom the idea of overcoming my nervousness about sex and exposing my body (nudity was condemned in my family as well). While I am still a child of God and am waiting for marriage to have sex, I would like to be more open to physical acts of love and more self-accepting when it comes to touching myself. Can you tell me why shame and embarrassment persist around the subject of sex, even after I have released so much other negativity that was ingrained in me through my childhood faith? How can I shake the bad emotions that arise instantly when I feel aroused or try to indulge my thoughts and fantasies about sex?
Ashamed
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Oh My!!
Indeed religion, particularly the brand of fundamental Christianity that you described, can be so repressive. I am sorry to hear how negatively you have been impacted by such primitive religious teachings.
You should never be ashamed of your body or sexual urges. They are natural and healthy. However, I doubt that simply telling you this can erase 30 years of conditioning that left you traumatised and deeply scarred. There may also be some other underlying issues with religion that also need resolution. I would advise you to seek the help of a trained psychologist who can help you wade through those issues and come to a place in your life where you are comfortable with yourself. Only then will you be ready for a relationship if and when you so choose to enter one.
Wishing you all the best on your journey and remember, #YouAreWorthy
Damien Williams is a Minister & Bible Teacher at Ekklesia Bible Fellowship in Kingston, Jamaica. He is also an Educator, Life Coach and Human Rights & Justice Advocate. His day job is as a Field Operations Manager at Habitat for Humanity Jamaica. If you have an issue that you need advice on, send an e-mail to [email protected] or [email protected]
