My husband and I have been married for almost a year. Sometimes I can’t believe my good fortune. He is a wonderful man, great with my kids (I brought two into the marriage), seems to adore me, treats me wonderfully, great provider for the family. Somehow, though, I am always fighting this nagging feeling that he will one day look for something better (if he isn’t doing so already) and move on from me. It’s like I don’t feel like I deserve him. Maybe I don’t. I have had some difficult relationships in the past and I hurt a couple of my partners very deeply, cheating on both multiple times. I grew up in a home where my dad cheated on my mom, ditching her (and me) in the end, and I grew up vowing that if anyone gets hurt in my relationships, it won’t be me. But I have changed my ways. I have been completely faithful to my current husband. I love him dearly. I cannot imagine hurting him. But I can imagine him hurting me. Despite the evidence in front of me every day, I am convinced it’s just a matter of time. What’s my problem?
I’m Not Worthy
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Hello Dear,
I cannot refer to you by the pseudonym you provided because it is patently false, so I hope you are not offended by me referring to you as “Dear”.
You have done some things and made some decisions in your past that are still holding you ransom. The guilt and shame that you feel are evidence of the fact that you have not forgiven yourself. If, in fact, you are a changed person, it is time that you leave those in the past. Own your past. You did what you did, now, embrace the lessons learned and move into your present and future.
Secondly, carrying this undeserving attitude and thought of yourself will impact your behaviour and ultimately bleed over into your relationship and the self-fulfilling prophecy will become a reality. I suggest you replace those thoughts with affirmation of your worth.
It’s easy to be loved but it is even a greater thing to be trusted. Give the relationship and your husband the trust they deserve. Your children were not invisible when he CHOSE to be with you!! Be affirmed in his appreciation and caring towards you. Be grateful for the blessings you have and stop anticipating the worst. Create with your husband an environment that encourages honest sharing, where you can share your insecurities in a non-accusatory manner.
And, do NOT ever doubt that #YouAreWorthy
Damien Williams is a Minister & Bible Teacher at Ekklesia Bible Fellowship in Kingston, Jamaica. He is also an Educator, Life Coach and Human Rights & Justice Advocate. His day job is as a Field Operations Manager at Habitat for Humanity Jamaica. If you have an issue that you need advice on, send an e-mail to [email protected]
