For the past six months, I have been seeing a woman who has four kids (11, 12, 14, 16). I am 24, my girlfriend is 40. I have no problem whatsoever with her kids. In fact, I love her kids and would be very open to adopting them legally if our relationship progresses to the point where we’d want to consider marriage. The problem is with my family. I’m supposed to go to a family reunion soon and I know that my family is going to have a problem with our age difference and the age of her children. I want to bring my girlfriend and her kids with me to the reunion, but I am very worried that they’ll be met with cold stares, unfriendliness, rejection, maybe even hatefulness. I am wondering what you think. Thank you.
Bracing for the Worst
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Hello there, Worthling:
It is great that you are so certain about what you want. That conviction should be the centre from which you engage everyone around this scenario that you have presented here.
The expected response to your age difference is unfair and patently sexist. Few people would have a challenge if YOU were a 40-year-old male with three children and dating a 24-year-old woman. While it is reasonable to expect the worst, you DO NOT have to accept it.
In fact, if you do love this woman and children as you claim, you will NOT put them in the position to be insulted and made to feel uncomfortable by your family members. You have a few options:
- Have an honest conversation to your relatives about this woman with whom you are in love and her children. Let them know how happy it will make you feel if they would accept them and treat them with respect and inform them about your desire to bring this woman and her children to the re-union.
- It is only six months. I know this might seem an eternity when you are really into someone but before you bring them into an environment where they might be made to feel uncomfortable, give the relationship time to grow and your family the time to get used to the idea of you dating a woman at this age.
- Take time for yourself to consider truly if this is what you want. There is no wrong in dating an older woman. However, that comes with its own downside. Will you one day want children of your own? There might be difficulties to realise this dream with this woman. It will be unfair to her to place such demands on her later on and you do not have much time to consider this. You are running against her biological clock.
There are other things that you and your girlfriend both need to consider and work through to make this relationship formidable enough to handle the challenges ahead. Seek relationship counselling together. You might learn much more about yourselves and about the relationships that may cause you to want to move forward together or apart.
Always remember, #YouAreWorthy.
Damien Williams is a Minister & Bible Teacher at Ekklesia Bible Fellowship in Kingston, Jamaica. He is also an Educator, Life Coach and Human Rights & Justice Advocate. His day job is as a Field Operations Manager at Habitat for Humanity Jamaica. If you have an issue that you need advice on, send an e-mail to [email protected]
