I am a 24-year-old male college student. I am quiet and shy and introverted, and I don’t make friends easily. In fact, I really only have two, which I know is pathetic. But because I only have two friends, I think I value my friendships more than most people. The problem in my case is that both of my friends say homophobic things all the time, kind of as playful putdowns of each other. I play along to fit in, but it pains me that I am not being my authentic self. What they don’t realize is that I am gay. I haven’t told them because I know where they stand on gay people; they think gay marriage is an abomination, and they think being gay is a choice as opposed to something you’re born as. I fear that if I tell them I’m gay, they will distance themselves from me and I’ll end up being totally friendless in this world. So, I guess I don’t have a question so much as I am looking for some support, since I won’t get it from them. Any thoughts appreciated.
A Friend in Need
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Dear friend in need,
Merry Christmas and a Happy and authentic new year when it comes.
I see you have described those people as friends. If they are indeed friends, despite all they say around you, they’ll continue to love you unconditionally.
While I understand your defense mechanism, it is unfair to preempt and presume what your friends’ reaction to you would be if you were to tell them you are gay without first giving them the opportunity to prove their friendship with you.
Part of genuine friendship is learning to be vulnerable and authentic. You need to afford your friends that opportunity to see you as you are for the first time in your friendship because you have denied them that.
If they reject you, then they are not friends worth having. Even if they are not accepting of your orientation, they, as friends should still be able to love and accept you. I know our society is largely ignorant about the evolution of human sexuality and can respond from that ignorant place. Perhaps sharing your lived reality with them can help them learn empathy and gain understanding.
Remember in all of this, #YouAreWorthy
Damien Williams is a Minister & Bible Teacher at Ekklesia Bible Fellowship in Kingston, Jamaica. He is also an Educator, Life Coach and Human Rights & Justice Advocate. His day job is as a Field Operations Manager at Habitat for Humanity Jamaica. If you have an issue that you need advice on, send an e-mail to [email protected]
