This is very difficult for me to write. I was sexually abused by my pastor starting when I was 8 years old. I’m now a grown man and I feel like I’ve spent my whole life repressing my feelings about the whole episode, which lasted for about three years. I grew up in a great, loving family but sometimes I feel like my parents are responsible for what happened to me or they should have at least know it was happening. My question is should I just take these horrible memories to my grave? Sometimes I think about revealing what happened to me, but then I come back to the fact I feel guilty and deeply ashamed for letting it go on for so long, for never doing anything about it, for never attempting to hold the pastor accountable. How many other children did he abuse because of my cowardly unwillingness to step forward? I doubt anyone would have believed me. It was a different time for the church back then. What do you think I should do? I’ve come this far by myself, why burden anyone else?
Tormented
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Dear Tormented,
It is unfortunate that you now live in a state of torment because of criminal actions committed against you by someone who has violated you, abused his authority and betrayed your trust. It is his actions, not your silence that is shameful.
Let me hasten to tell you that you cannot conquer what you do not confront. Part of your healing might be exposing that which has been eating away on the inside. Confront the pastor and let him know how what he did affect you. Tell your parents. It is unfair to blame them when you have not given them the opportunity to hear what has happened. If after you tell them, they take the pastor’s side then you can hold them complicit in his crime against you.
However, most importantly, forgive yourself. You are blameless here. You did not cause the abuse, nor did you invite it upon yourself. And, never forget #YouAreWorthy.
Damien Williams is a Minister & Bible Teacher at Ekklesia Bible Fellowship in Kingston, Jamaica. He is also an Educator, Life Coach and Human Rights & Justice Advocate. His day job is as a Field Operations Manager at Habitat for Humanity Jamaica. If you have an issue that you need advice on, send an e-mail to [email protected]
